Musings of a redbottomedgirl

My thoughts on submission and a reflection on my experiences in BDSM

Choking

His hand on my throat tightening and clenching, making me gasp for air….

I love it when S chokes me and it is definitely something he does quite a bit. His hand grabs my throat often during sex usually when he’s about to cum or sometimes even when he is about to let me cum. He’s choked me having sex in a pool by holding my head underwater and just when we are doing nothing in particular.

He’ll choke me when I’m tied up, with my hands and feet bound, so I can hardly even squirm let alone ever try and stop him. Physically he is a lot stronger than me so if he wants to do something he is always able to. But being tied up and choked heightens my powerlessness even further.

Sometimes I also feel like I’m being choked when a collar is done up very tightly around my neck making me notice each and every breath. Or when he attaches a leash to the collar and pulls me along, the feeling of tightness around my neck increasing if I don’t comply.

Being choked is exhilarating yet at the same time always makes me feel more submissive. I love the loss of control and the dependence and trust you place in your Dom. I know that scientifically the rush of endorphins and adrenaline from being choked will heighten your sensations, but for me I feel it is about much more than that. In fact, the feeling I get from being choked is perhaps almost as much from the mental symbolism I attach to it as the physical experience. For me, choking is a very physical manifestation of his dominance over me.

Hopefully, he will always like choking me though – although sometimes I do wonder how hard he’d like to choke me and if it is more than I would be able to take.

Becoming sluttier

As part of me becoming sluttier I have started having sex with another guy – who I will call T. T is not kinky and doesn’t know anything about me being a sub or about my Dom. I have been on a few dates with T who definitely seemed quite shy to begin with. On the first date we only kissed even though I suggested that we should do more. On the second or third date we did have sex although S had rules about what I could do with him. I had to get him to give me oral, then I could give him a blowjob and then we could have sex, in that order. I also had to text S to ask permission to have sex with T after I’d given him a blowjob. Luckily, S let me have sex with T or it could have been a bit awkward.

It was kind of nice having a guy give me oral, although he wasn’t that good at it so S has had me kinda teaching him what’s good and what isn’t. It is something that I can’t picture S doing (or want him to do) so it had been a while since a guy had done that. I enjoyed giving T a blowjob although it was unusual not to be forced to go a bit deeper and be gagging a bit. The sex was slow and pretty gentle though he does have a pretty big cock so I was a bit sore the next day.

So now I have had sex with T quite a few times and while I definitely do enjoy sex without any kink, I am starting to realise how much it can add to it, how I do like sex that isn’t always slow and gentle and that I really do like being submissive during sex with someone else in control. That has been the weirdest part of this so far – that in the bedroom I have gotten used to being submissive and I find it had to have such a large share of the control with T.

The other night I was with T and in the morning I instinctively asked permission to put clothes on. T just looked at me strangely and said do whatever you want. Pretty sure I swore in head and hoped T didn’t think I was too weird. I hadn’t realised how much some of that basic submissive stuff is rather instinctive when I am with S and that I had to think about not doing it with T.

Overall, it does make me feel slutty being told what I can do with another guy. S has had me orgasm multiple times a day recently, rather than the usual not being allowed to orgasm, so perhaps that also contributes to my feeling sluttier than usual.

I think this is the start of me becoming sluttier with people other than S and it will be intriguing to see what happens in the future. S has also had me start looking for another partner – either a sub to play with or a Sugar Daddy. I kind of wonder what will happen with this one!

A Fantasy – Part 1

I was kneeling near the door my eyes lowered, waiting for him to get home. I could feel my wetness soaking through the limited clothing I was wearing, and dripping down my thighs, only increasing my embarrassment and horniness.

He’d told me to dress for his enjoyment and I’d chosen to wear the new leather harness that matched the black collar around my neck. A black g-string, suspenders, stockings and pumps completed the outfit. I’d carefully applied my makeup, slutty bright red lipstick and dark eyes, the way I knew he liked it.

I was also to have the butt plug in and nipple clamps on for at least half an hour before he got there. It had already been forty minutes and my anxiety was increasing with every passing minute, hoping he’d be pleased with my preparation.

Eventually, I heard the key turning in the lock and his footsteps as he walked through the door. “My slave,” he said, tilting my head up and pulling me to my feet. His eyes scanned my body and clothes before handing me his coat and briefcase. “Something to drink please,” he ordered, going to sit on his favourite seat in the lounge.

 I brought him a scotch, kneeling to serve him as required. For a few minutes he just sat, my head on his knee with him gently stroking my hair as he told me about his day.

“Let’s inspect you then,” he said casually, leaning forward in his chair. Quickly, I stood up straight, hands on my head and legs spread, blushing even though I had done this so many times before.

“Stand straighter, head up, eyes straight ahead,” he said and I waited as his eyes scanned my body. He had me remove my g-string to check that my pussy was waxed smooth underneath. He pulled the nipple clamps, making me wince and then signalled for me turn around. I turned, and got into position on my hands and knees with my back arched, and my hands pulling my butt cheeks apart. My wet pussy and plugged ass were fully exposed to him. He swatted the insides of my thighs and I quickly spread my legs wider.

“Someone is most definitely dripping, isn’t she?” he said as he plunged two fingers into my soaking pussy. “Yes Sir,” I moaned as he forced his fingers put into my mouth to suck my juices off. It had been weeks since I’d been allowed to orgasm, and his touch made me so horny if he’d rubbed my clit I would have cum right there.

“Kneel,” he said, roughly pulling the nipple clamps off, causing a wave of pain to crash over me. I bit my lip, trying not to make a sound as I’d made the mistake of screaming when he’d done that before and was not about to pay for the consequences again.

“Good girl,” he said pinching my still hard nipples.

He unzipped his trousers and pulled out his cock that was already starting to get hard. The sight of his dick gave me a surge of wetness and I instinctively ran my tongue over my lips. “May I?”, I asked, almost begging to be allowed to touch his cock.

“Yes slave, you may, but remember that you are not to use your hands and you had better have been practicing deep throating,” he said.

Greedily, I took him in my mouth sucking his cock and taking him deep into my mouth.

He didn’t take long to get hard and soon he was grabbing my hair and forcing me faster and deeper onto his cock. I was choking and gasping for air, but I was even hornier than before and all I could think about was how much I wanted him inside me. After one particularly rough thrust of my head onto his cock he came in my mouth. I smiled swallowing his cum and licking his cock clean, as he relaxed his hand on my hair.

“I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner, slave. Go cook me mine and afterwards I have a special treat planned for you.”

To be continued…

A Slut

“What are you?,” S asks.

“A slut,” I reply willingly. Something I used to barely be able to say.

“Whose slut?,” S says.

“Your slut.”

I have definitely become much more slutty since I met S. In fact, whereas I used to view being slutty as something derogatory, when S says it I now see it is a good thing. S has always wanted me to be more slutty and I am glad that I am getting better at it. At the same time I do sometimes find it a bit scary how much more comfortable I have become with doing certain things.

I have become more comfortable with wearing few if any clothes in public and dressing in a way that S likes. I have a growing collection of g-strings, stockings, suspenders and heels so high I can hardly walk in them. I have become more used to wearing revealing short shorts or low cut dresses. He’s had me wear a g-string bikini and go topless on the beach. I have stripped in public for S and sucked S’s cock on the beach.  Doing that was probably what made me feel the most slutty – being essentially naked on a beach, kneeling and sucking his cock. The fact that I enjoyed it made me realise how much more of a slut I had become since meeting S.

In private as well S says I have become more slutty. I mean I have always enjoyed sex but I think I may have become more open about expressing how much. In fact I have gotten in trouble from S for wanting more sex.

I’m not sure in what other ways S is planning to make me be more slutty. but I am sure that I will probably become more slutty in the future.

Nipple Piercing

I think the first time I met S he said I should get my nipples pierced. In fact, S said it was inevitable that it would happen. At the time I did not believe him at all – there was no way I’d get my nipples pierced…

Think how much fun they’d be S said. You wouldn’t need nipple clamps, you could hang things off them and they’d be an excellent way of making you instantly obey. Plus, you’d always have a reminder of being submissive.

Now to me this first part did not sound fun, in fact it sounded the exact opposite! While the idea of having a reminder of being submissive sounded lovely I felt that there were surely a million other possibilities for this that would be better than getting my nipple pierced.

S is no stranger to piercings and sees them as not that big of a deal. However, I am almost the exact opposite. I only have my ears pierced and had never even considered piercing anything else. I’ve argued and tried to reason with S about why a nipple piercing is not a good idea, but so far he’s had a counterargument to everything I’ve said.

I honestly don’t remember exactly how it happened but eventually I found myself agreeing to getting my nipples pierced.  The agreement was one nipple by the end of the year and the other by the middle of next year. S still wants me to get them done at the same time of course, but I haven’t given into that one yet. After I’d agreed to the piercing S said he could do them himself. Thankfully he was joking on that one, or at least I hope so!

I still can’t believe this is actually going to happen in a few months but I have agreed and am not going to go back on that. Moreover, this is important to S and while I don’t understand why I am slowly coming to accept that it is actually going to happen.

Puppy for a day

The next time I see S he will be busy all day and so has thought of a way to control me when he will not be able to be involved all the time. He has decided that I will be a puppy for the whole day, which he can play with for his amusement if it pleases him or have waiting for his attention.

I have never fantasised about being an animal, in fact it is a kink I have never been interested in. However, when we discussed what this would entail I began to realise that while I might have no desire to pretend to be a puppy, much of what I would do as a puppy I do like the idea of:

 

To wear a dog collar and leash and little else…

To crawl on the floor not allowed to use furniture…

To be told to fetch or sit or stay….

To be called ‘pet’, and not allowed to speak…

To eat and drink out of a dog bowl…

 

To me this type of micromanagement and degradation mostly sounds quite lovely, and while I’ve never done it for such a long time I do like the idea of it. However, the mental aspect of ‘being’ a puppy is something that doesn’t quite sit well with me. While I might like what I will do I don’t like the idea of pretending to be animal. To me this feels like an extra layer of humiliation and degradation, and one that I think I might struggle to deal with. I will certainly have a long time to think about my situation that day so I will be intrigued to see how I feel after this happens.  I hope I will be able to do this task for a whole day and who knows I may even enjoy being a puppy…

 

Punishment – Part 2

“Which nipple clamps would you like?” S asked.

The cute ones with bells on them I replied questioningly, knowing they weren’t the ones he would use. I was right and he put the very painful clover clamps on me instead. As always they only hurt a bit at the start but began to get more and more painful. My nipples and breasts were aching by the time he took them off the first time and I think he put them on at least 2 times more, even hanging pegs off the clamps. One time he made me put them on myself that is always so much harder than him putting them on for me. He even made me pull the nipple clamps off, warning me not to open the clamps. This is excruciating even when he does it and I just couldn’t do it to myself. Instead I opened the clamp to take it off which he was not at all pleased with.

S gave me a choice of which punishment I wanted again – spanking, ginger or nipple clamps. Since my nipples were aching and I hated the ginger with a passion I chose the spanking by default.

S spanked me over his knee again with the paddle. I think I was still counting the number of strokes but I was quite a mess by this point so have no idea how many he gave me. S said that he thought my butt had had enough for the moment so he turned me onto my front on the bed and asked where he should spank next. I didn’t have time to answer before he decided himself.

“Spread your legs, and do NOT close them,” S said warningly.

He spanked my pussy with the paddle several times in a row, it was very painful even though he was spanking less harshly. I found it so hard to lie there and keep my legs open knowing what was coming. A few times I started to close my legs or squirm out of the way but S’s warning tone stopped me. He moved onto spanking my pussy with his hand but that seemed to be almost as painful. I think the mental aspect of this type of punishment and the anticipation of what was going to happen was almost as hard to take as the pain from the spanking.

S had asked me several times throughout this whether I felt punished enough and was sorry for what I’d done. I’d always said that I was truly sorry and wouldn’t do it again but this time he seemed to believe that I was punished enough. I was a mess probably emotionally more than anything but I was so glad that the punishment was over. I definitely don’t want to be punished again anytime soon.

Punishment – Part 1

“Strip. Lay out your toys. Kneel.”

I knelt quickly on my mat on the floor. I was wet even though I was scared of what could happen next. He put the collar around my neck, doing the buckle up tight enough so I noticed it every time I breathed. He attached a leash to the collar and gave it a few tugs for good measure.

S started peeling a stick of ginger and lecturing me about what I’d done and why he was punishing me.  We’d talked about why I was being punished quite a lot before this and I knew that I did deserve it.  I even knew some of how he was planning to punish me, and had been dreading it happening for quite a while.

After what seemed like ages of waiting and thinking about was going to happen he ordered me to get the wooden paddle. “Up, Over my knee,” he ordered, pulling my leash at the same time for good measure.

He started spanking me hard with his hand and then the paddle telling me to count each stroke. I’m never very good at staying in position when being spanked and I flinched after only a few strokes. S waited until I’d relaxed before spanking me again, and saying that stroke didn’t count. “Do not move or flinch again. If you do I’ll move up a level and you do not want that.”

I don’t know how many times or how long he spanked me, but I do know I flinched, forgot to count and was yelling after some strokes. This was not at all a fun spanking, I really did feel sorry for what I’d done and the spanking hurt an awful lot.  After what seemed like a long time, S told me to bring him the ginger he’d prepared. This was what I had been dreading.

He put the ginger in my ass and it stung so much. I could hardly bear it and it felt like I was burning up from the inside.  I couldn’t take it, I cried and sobbed for him to take it out. S eventually did take the ginger out but only after it had been in for quite a while and I was practically begging for him to take it out. After this everything was a bit of a blur for me. I’d never cried before from punishment or play, ever. I was embarrassed and emotionally I was a mess. S gave me a hug and comforted me but my punishment wasn’t over yet…

Sharing

S is interested in sharing me with other people. He thinks that allowing other people to have sex with me or be spanked by other people is a sign of his control over me. I do agree with this however I have no experience with what he’s suggesting and I have never been very comfortable with the idea of being shared. However, I’ve accepted that this is something that S wants and will happen sooner or later.

S also likes the idea of me being paid to have sex or be in a play session. This is something that I have much more of an issue with. It was something I never ever thought I would even consider. I feel that selling my body like that really does go against every feminist part of me and that perhaps it goes too far for me in mental objectification and degradation.

However, the other day I ended up chatting online to a guy who said he was interested in paying me for bdsm sessions. It went from a hypothetical chat to a negotiation about the price and what he could and couldn’t do very quickly. S was very interested in this and said to treat the chat as a trial run for if this were to happen in the future.  I kind of mentally freaked out towards the end of the chat with this other guy mostly because I couldn’t believe I was seriously considering doing something like that.

Afterwards my thoughts were a mess and I wanted to try and untangle what I was thinking. Mentally there is a battle between wanting to please S and what I personally feel about things such as this. Partly, I was worried because perhaps this was representative of how I could lose part of myself being submissive. Looking back on this, I know that logically what I think can coexist with being submissive to S. Moreover, changing what I think clearly isn’t necessarily bad. I still think this is morally against what I believe however I have also accepted that it is something that may well happen if S wants it to. I just hope that if it does happen it is something I can mentally deal with in the long term.

Last weekend…

The anticipation of seeing S again made me a bit of a nervous wreck before I saw him. There were so many things that happened I don’t know where to begin. I was inspected, spanked, tied up and fucked in all three holes.  I got to wear a collar again and I especially loved wearing it to sleep. He gave me several toys as birthday presents so I got to try out a new ball gag, clover clamps and nipple clamps with bells on. While the nipple clamps were quite ouchie they did also make me dripping wet (literally!). And I got a big, black plastic cock to practise deep throating with which I am looking forward to using.

S gave me my first orgasm in two months which was definitely amazing. In fact, we had a bet on how many times I would cum in half an hour of a strong vibe on my clit. I lost…. Badly. In fact, I didn’t even last ten minutes of the vibrator before I’d almost reached the number I bet. I’m definitely apprehensive about what his winning the bet means for me though… Apparently I have to do a nudie run – in public, naked… I seriously do not know how I’ll be able to do that. I was given a bit of respite since it was postponed due to the freezing weather outside.

However, I had not been physically submissive to him in a while. So there were a few of his rules that I stupidly forget. I forgot to offer to service him sexually when he arrived. I even forgot to ask permission to orgasm once – a rule that I’ve always had with him and something so basic I feel it should be instinctive for me. I haven’t gotten punished for either of these yet and it is something I am dreading the next time I see S, although I do know that I deserve it. I have to get used to being in the right submissive mindset again and this is something I am really going to try and work on.

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